Part 4 : The key to the divine gate, Integrity.

I am an incredibly talented person. I open my mouth to say that often, but seldom actually believed it. Something about not wanting to seem prideful, to not boast about skills I was under the impression I had no claim to. Due to inexperience or lack of schooling. When I started this healing journey, The first thing I came to realize (Unfortunately for my ego) was that the concept of self I had; was majority based upon the opinions and projections of others. I had special interests, many. Special FX makeup, Cooking, Film, Production, event coordination, and an innumerable amount of others. I was no skilled artisan and in my mind, Had no right to tell anyone about these interests unless they were relevant and useful for the other more educated and skilled people in my life.

Because of this thought cycle that I was unskilled, unworthy, or otherwise not valued; I became a mirror to those around me, To hide from a perceived expulsion from society, should my true, unworthy self be revealed. This was a form of imposter syndrome. Isolating my true self, from the self I showed to others out of shame.

While it's okay to be humble, there is a difference between humility, and having no pride. Pride like all emotions is natural and necessary in healthy amounts. So when you have no pride, you are warranted to yield to the desires of others just because you don't have the spine to say no. We can however move past this, with the help of boundaries. Setting boundaries for both ourselves and those around us helps us to establish our morals, values, and true likes and dislikes.

Survivors of abuse often struggle with a crisis of identity and self-worth, because of the need to adapt to the abuser's lifestyle, ideals, and value system. When we leave a relationship we carry a fractured version of ourselves, and for those of us who fall into this cycle of relationships often. It is often when we are near the brink of healing, feeling independent and like ourselves again; that a new person comes into our lives and for better or for worst we conform to them. Even without their consent at times.

so how can we break the beast? How do you establish healthy pride and integrity from a place of low-Pride? Again that brings us to boundaries, Think of the aspects of previous relationships you feel were harmful, or impacted you negatively. What boundary could you have set up to prevent or openly discourage the negative aspects? For me this meant choosing myself, despite my desire to stay in an unhappy place for the sake of another person. Who did not demand this of me or reward me for it.

So i set a commitment to do something for myself and then began tracing the behaviors back. when i started honestly assesing my triggers and why they triggered me, I found roots in relationships i hadnt thought of in years. Things that i thought i had let go of simply because they werent at the forfront of my mind any longer. I had to go into each memory and unpack it in its totality which was not an easy task. however difficult though, the task is essential and rudementary. The very first step to healing Is finding the root of pain, and finding a boundry to limit your exposure to that pain in your daily life.( In my personal opinion)

Often times people tell you to dig deep and uncover all these traumatic memories, but most times what we really need in the early stages is the tools to cope with the overwhelming feelings that we are having a hard time with in the first place. So in review, how do we set healthy boundries? firstly when you find a value, source its llimitations. Do you value family time? perhaps a boundary for you should be to only form intimate relationships with people who also value family time. Somone who dislikes family time and is too occupied with work for these activitites isnt for you, even if they seem like the one in the moment. Are you acting with integrity? or are you comprimising your value system for someone else? take these boundaries Seriously. If you uphold the small things, the big things will come easy. Not obessivly checking an ex’s social media , not drinking alcohol or consuming drugs just because the rest of he group is, not doing favors or making promises you cant upkeep or will resent later. All these things slowly build character over time. Soon you will be preserving your energy for the things you truly want to spend energy on, and being selective with your time and relationships. You will have more honest relationships, more genuine experiences, and a more positive sense of self.

When we walk with integrity, decisions are intentional and the outcome of events in our lives are more stable and controlled. And stability is good all around. Try to set some small boundries with yourself this week, perhaps a certain diet you would like to maintain, or with someone you need to limit communication with. Maintain these and trust yourself. You are worthy of healthy boundaries, and of self-love and integrity.

-With love, ASE