Part 2 : Breathe and climb, one stone at a time.

Take a deep breath. What do you feel? Does your heart pump blood to your body? Do your lungs expand? Do life and energy flow in? You are alive, and that despite what you may currently believe; is a miracle. Both you and I are beings of pure energy, our bodies are amazing machines of conversion which allow us to express emotion, desire, ambition, and love. We can explore the natural world, and be witness to the beauty of ourselves and other people. WE create art, develop science and medicine, and pull mathematical equations from the literal ether to engineer everything from airplanes to blenders. Isn't that absolutely amazing?

So where in all this, do we find suffering? If you remember our conversation on perspective, youll know that how we see our lives and ourselves changes the level of gratitude we have for little things like this. It isnt the only thing though, and we must be realistic when we have these discussions. Trauma, abuse, hardhsip. They are real things and we all experience them ( especially those of us in the queer and POC communities, with an agressive impact felt by those who intersect in these communities) When we are in the throws of traumatic events in our lives, the end of the preverbial tunnel seems so far in the distance it might as well be a fantasy. And when we reach the end and “overcome” these events, the releif feels like a joke. We feel broken, dejected, like a used up magic eraser! We are hailed as survivors, given a pat on the back and a sticker that says “5-10 years of therapy and you'll be just dandy!” It hardly seems fair in the moment no? It makes that golden eye of perspective seem ike a luxery we where never meant to afford. Especially those of us who dont have acess to the mental health care we desperaty need. This is where im going to get, a bit cheesy. So bear with me.

When we are in our most desperate place, we must turn to source. when i was in the Grand canyon i was surroundeed by more nature than i ever had been, an hour and change from the nearest “big city” and not nearly as mobile as i would have liked to be, my options were: Stay inside and wallow, or go outside and hike. And trust, for many weeks i chose the former, why bother going outside? Who was i? Who gave a fuck about getting sunshine i wanted to die! (Excuse my french) I wallowed because i thought thats what i needed. Eventualy though, i got my hands on a podcast particular to my diagnosis. This is as good a time as any to inform you all that i am in fact diagnosed with BPD. This blog wont be centered on it, but the podcast ( Back from the Borderline with Mollie. For any of those interested in a wonderful perspective from a highly relatable woman) helped me get out of bed and onto my front porch. Once i managed to get on my porch, bundled in a cloak of oversiezed hoodies and self-pity, the sun hit me. The sun entered my system and it was like i could stand up a little easier. So i decided to go for a walk, it was brief but i felt a bit better afterwards even without my own permission. So the next morning i did it again, and again and again until i was hiking. Then i was more than hiking i was exploring, climbing, going off trail and falling over and scraping my hands and standing in the silence of the canyon alone.

Then there i was. Standing alone in this massive structure of rock which i had managed to climb for the first time, after multiple failed attempts. Out of breath and slightly dizzy i felt something new, something i hadnt felt in months. Joy. I felt victorious over my body, my illness, and i felt so miniscule in the grand scheme of life. It may seem counterproductive to say i felt small, but it was in a new way. I felt like one small piece of earth surrounded by myself. I wasnt myself i was everything, and it felt like a weight shifted inside my heart.

When you step outside yourself and into the frequency of nature, something in the mind yields. The noise of the world and the pain of human experience gives way to something older and more tangible, the healing that is possible really is beyond my words. There is a joke common in mental wellness circles “go outside and touch some grass” it seems quite silly but to a degree it is essential. where is yor nearest park? 20 minutes? 40? go there, find a corner away from the rest of the visitors. or perhaps a small patch of woods behind your complex, maybe youll look weird to the neighbors but it will be worth it when you lock eyes with a small rabbit fleeing from your footsteps. When you run your hands through a patch of moss that looked rough, but feels soft under your touch. When you slip and fall in a patch of mud on a rainy day and laugh because you foolishly wore the wrong pants for this walk. when you experience the unity and comfort of being totaly alone in a thicket of trees. and feeling surrounded by life and energy.

When the mind is clouded with pain, we forget the body can take us out of it. Focus on your breathing, let the sun warm your skin, touch the bark on a tree and feel it breathing with you. It wont cure you. But it will invite positive change, and shift the focus from your mind to your senses.

Focus on your body today and the rest will follow, if it is too hard to open up the bag and go through the past. dont open it, just set it aside and live in the moment and with the earth. Healing begins with small steps. so go outside, touch some grass.

-With love, Ase