Part 3 : Exodus and the Arch of shame.

When do you feel the need to run? Is it when your body seizes and your heart beats so loudly you can feel it in your eyes? When your legs tremble and your brain is screaming “ RUN YOU FOOL YOU ARE IN DANGER” Or, is it when everything is silent. When the waters are calm and the boat is steady on its course. This has been one of my lifelong struggles. I encourage growth and happiness when things are going badly, something we all do. But just as things begin to settle, joy comes into regularity. I panic.

It's as if some great wave of self-sabotage rises from the pits of the ocean and throws my ship so far off course that I'm unable to tell the sea from the sky. For years I blamed others, their attitude, their abuse, and their behavior. Even the inflection of their speech was an act of criminality against me. And though I did suffer for many years in abusive relationships and situations, I neglected to shake the defense mechanisms from that abuse. So defense mechanisms that once kept me safe, transformed into maladaptive behaviors that stood in the way of me and my healing. I could never truly tell if someone was being sympathetic, or manipulative. Are they interested in my well-being? or just trying to trick me into a comfortable place, so they could use me? Every interaction became a maze I had to navigate with a level of difficulty that those around me just could not understand.

This was something that ruined my relationships both romantic and platonic, Consistently, So that is the perspective I was armed with in the canyon. That is the perspective that ultimately ruined the relationship I had going in, and the relationships I had while there. Now with all of that said, I think it is critical to handle oneself with sympathy and love. To heal one must accept the role and responsibility one plays in their own suffering, but (and it's a big one) it's also essential to Remove the aspect of shame associated with accepting responsibility. When we open our eyes and realize we have played a large part in the theatre of our demise our automatic response is to shame ourselves. “I must be evil” “I ruin everything” “Everyone was right about me, I'm crazy” “IM delusional” and on and on until your spiraling out of control and the ships fallen to pieces, and it's just you. Floating on a plank in the middle of nowhere with no one around.

This is a product of socialization. We are raised to believe that certain aspects of ourselves ( especially those counter-productive to modern-day society) are negative and need to be controlled or even denied to be a self-sufficient adult. However, when we corner the animal within us which serves to keep us safe against danger, we run the risk of losing control of that animal altogether.

It is difficult and frightening to imagine a world where we allow the parts of ourselves that we most fear to live in tandem with us, but it is the most valuable part of any healing process. Integration.

Now how does this circle back to the canyon and my journey? I want to preface this with some vulnerability, I want this place to be a true home for those who may share my emotions and struggles. so in light of that id like to put a disclosure here and for the remainder of my entries; This journey will contain mention of dark inner thoughts and feelings that may be sensitive to some readers. Topics of self-harm, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, thoughts of ending ones life and general personal trauma that can be triggering. So please read on with caution and be kind to yourself if you cant read this kind of thing right now. Ill be here whenever you are ready.

While I lived in the canyon I experienced a period of deep emotional instability. Brought on by that mental state i spoke of earlier; the untsable thinking paired with the cabin fever like scenario the canyon brought on, ended in a breakdown so severe. That my contemplation of ending my lfe was battled nightly at the rim of the canyon. standing inches from a drop that would make me simply disappear. Weeks passed and the struggle became unbearable, to the degree that i entered full fight or flight mode.

I fled on a flight four days later with a desire to be home and around my family, on the sheer basis that if I had not. I likley would have taken my life in a moment of despair. and posthumously I was filled with deep, invasive shame. I had made this decision for my saftey, and for my healing. Yet I felt guilt over it. When i went back and analyzed everything from a distance all my actions where taken from that guilty place.

I needed to forgive myself. To release the ideas of who i needed to be, or who i needed to behave for. To let go of the concept of myself. Relaxed, go-with the flow, cool girl, me. Respectful and self-sacrificing, enduring victim. The need to conform to any model so that i would be liked and desired.

This was the most difficult part of my healing. The structures i had built to look a certain way to my peers where more than just important to me they where neccesary. Who was i without them? what where my values? did i even have any? letting go of toxic shame, and internalised self loathing would be key to these discoveries. and even as i write this now i am continuing to work on it. but it is a process and we are building, so lets you and i go over some building blocks together.

-with Love, ASE

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