Part 1 : Seeing yourself in a mirror of earth.

When we think of a self-reflective moment, we often think of transcendency. Something so jarring and world-turning that it compels you to change everything in your life and become some fully realized and healed version of yourself. That is a fantasy of social structure. The reality is often something much less romantic, and frankly more along the lines of a slow painful metamorphosis. Some wickedly evil lycanthropy causes us to push away our loved ones, sabotage our careers and friend groups, and even harm our own selves. Facing yourself is never easy, for me, it definitely wasn’t.

I am by no means under the illusion that I’m better or more healed than anyone. However, I was a huge victim. I was constantly fighting my self loathing in tandem with emotionally and physically abusive relationships growing up; and whenever I left these relationships the support and love I received from friends and family, whether it was given to me with good intentions or not. Fuelled the mindset that I was some great survivor, an untouchable martyr that could do no wrong. Wether I believed it or not, I thought I could never be wrong in relationships.

So when I stood at the rim of the canyon, staring at the full moon and the black inky pool of darkness that was in the daylight; a minimum 300-foot drop. I was fully convinced of my innocence. I was being hurt, used, manipulated. I was in pain and deserving of sympathy and pity. I craved pity because its all id ever received. I thought of just walking off he edge, it would be the easiest thing I had done all week; but I didn’t. Instead I sat there, for hours. Sitting on the ledge and thinking until my skull split and the sun rose, and I birthed a thought id never even conceived before ever in my entire life.

Maybe I was wrong. With everything that had happened, perhaps my behaviour was the problem. I was living in the victimhood, and perpetuating a cycle that frankly was the root of all evil in my life.

Now to be clear, I did not assume all blame in shame. This was a cocktail of blame and negative behaviour on all fronts, and with all parties; but I was letting myself be mistreated. I was allowing boundaries to be crossed then becoming angry when I felt the consequences of those actions. I was permitting behaviour I had promised myself was impermissible. Ultimately I was in control of my situation, but I was behaving powerlessly. Like a victim. The Canyon showed me this in an interesting way, nature and the way we interact with it can reveal more than we think it does.

Every day I would hike alone, climb alone, encounter wildlife and plant life; and everyday I got more competent. It became easier to do, the rock yielding to me as I became stronger. Moving in the same frequency as nature showed me that what I was allowing wasn’t in the vibration of my movement. I was being dishonest with myself. I needed to move in the frequency of freedom I was exploring everyday. So I decided things needed to change. This blog is part of that change. I am ready to explore integrity.

lets look objectively at our lives and see what we are allowing due to a hidden shame or victim mindset. Why do we feel we don’t deserve what we crave? Why do we self sabotage? Why do we defend the victim mindset as a means of survival?

we can be whole and demand our worth. we can be clear about our desires and save the feelings of those we love, instead of dragging them to hell with us and ruining our relationships. We can be survivors of abuse, without living in the shadow of it.

-With Love Ase