Part 9 : The blind justice of accountability.

"Accountability"

Accountability is a word with a bit of a jagged tooth isn't it? People often veil much under the guise of taking accountability for their actions or your own. It leaves us with a bitter taste no matter who is forced to swallow the pill, but it is a matter of important distinction. Because when we hold ourselves and others Truly accountable for actions, especially those that strongly impact us; we live a life with more honesty. And honesty is the best policy, most importantly honesty to ones self.

Within the sphere of our discussion we have spoken about not feeling guilt or shame, those things are directly challenged when discussing accountability. Taking responsibility for our actions can often bring up feelings of guilt and shame, especially if we are the ones in the scenario who need to apologize or hold ourselves accountable for hurting others. Because everyone is capable of holding blame in any given scenario, even us my friend. Often the survivor complex or victim mindset puts us in a place where we feel that "All who roam the earth but I" are to blame for our suffering. We forget that a wounded animal is the most dangerous kind, and that in all our thrashing about; our claws have the potential to severely wound those around us.

Now, with all that said; guilt and shame can be a natural part of the accountability process. After all it may have been years. we could be knee deep in the waters of denial and to look down one day and realize the water has turned to blood, is a harsh reality to take. We can't just keep on wading in it though. Not if we are serious about healing.

So what's the first step? Knowing is half the battle, so it's important to take a real look at your relationships, past events, and your reactions to triggers.

How much of the rage you feel towards your partner is because of a past relationship? Do you behave a certain way to keep people around you? Have any of your actions ( Particularly those you do in an act of self-preservation) hurt those around you?

For myself, the most recent event I have taken accountability for is returning home. When I left my home in the canyon I left behind a partner, who considered my actions abandonment. Of course I was acting out of loneliness, fear, abandonment and mania. In my logic, I needed to return home because I felt alone. I felt as though the person I uprooted my life for was leaving me behind for another person and for themselves. I who, had always sacrificed myself for those around me; this person especially. Was unable to grasp that this person was not willing to make sacrifices in the same way, they couldn't be there for me in the way I needed in that time. My choice of action was extreme, however so were my feelings. In the moment I thought everyone would understand because it was so obvious how much I was suffering, how much I desperately wanted to be out of this pain.

However the people around me only perceived how my actions affected them, no one is in your head bur you. A simple notion, but sometimes hard to grasp. After all we only experience ourselves, so to us all our opinions and thoughts are the obviously correct. It's not always the case though, no matter how hard we may believe it.

So how do you actually take accountability? Because there is a marked difference between admitting you did something bad, and taking accountability. Believe it or not .

Step one is accepting your part in the scenario whatever it may be, but it's not the most important step. I would wager step one is critical, but step two. Essential . Take REAL action, identify behaviors and thought patterns that lead you to where you are

Don't apologize to those you've hurt out of obligation. Sit down and really think about why you should be apologizing, and come up with a lost of actions you can take to remedy or atone. Then l, and here's the hard part. TAKE THOSE ACTIONS BEFORE YOUR VERBAL APOLOGIES.

One of the things I hear alot when discussing accountability with anyone I know is "words don't mean anything" Although that isn't objectively true, in this case it really does apply. Sometimes when we hurt others or ourselves we forget that the one receiving, often remains deeply affected but the one who gave. Your mother may have just been having a hard day when she told you in a rage "You do nothing but bring stress and problems into my life" to her she was just stressed. Bills to pay and her own personal conflicts to consider, but to you this was a defining moment. The moment your self worth was ruined for years to come because all you wanted to do was show your mother love and she said. Well that.

So when we are assessing our accountability from a distance it is important to think about how your words affected those you hurt, and how they may not have the faith in your words that YOU consider should be default.

Acknowledge your faults and responsibilities in scenarios, formulate a plan to adjust your behavior and to remedy the wounds you have caused, TAKE THE ACTION and apply it throughout your entire life.

The last step is to apologize, once you've started making the real changes those around you will know your being serious, not just taking their words and agreeing because you fear losing them or being hated.

It's hard. I'm having a difficult time with this one too, I have had a victim mindset for so long. I've been the animal running from ghosts of a predator long past, but we can do it. I can do it, and if I can so can you; remember to be kind to yourself.

-With love, Àse