Part 6 : The maze of self-loathing, and the monster within.

So you’ve begun to water the flowers of self-love, carefully tending to yourself and giving you the kindness and delicacy you truly deserve. Now that we have our garden started, we must turn to the darker corners of the property. The mazes of our innermost self.

When you turn to face the maze of your inner mind, you must do so without judgment. Let us flow with the garden analogy we are building and say that the tools we have so far gained in Empathy, releasing shame, and self-love are all the garden shears, shovels, and weed killer we will need for this task. What is the task at hand you may ask? Well, it is not as easy as just telling you, everyone’s task is wholly unique to them. However, we can use some general paths of thought to identify it. we are overcoming the general thing, of self-loathing. When we start working in earnest to heal from our trauma, self-loathing can be the wall in the maze we run into over and over again, seemingly everywhere we turn!

“I deserved what I received, I am a bad person.”

“If I hadn’t been so foolish, I never would have been in this situation “

” I am Disgusted by myself”

This feeling often persists even long after we begin new dialogues and start saying we love and cherish ourselves. Months into our journeys when we have identified all the signs and covered what we think is every corner of the maze; Those thoughts linger and penetrate like choking vines. When we discover trauma, it's often after as adults. We neglect to look back on our childhoods, and Often there; We can find the dark roots of our thoughts. Let's get into another small warning here: I'm about to get deeply personal again. There are the aforementioned triggers and some personal anecdotes about my family that may be triggering to my family who is reading.

When I was in early middle school, pretty much all through high school. (Until I dropped out due in part to the bullying I sustained) I was having an absolute gender and sexuality crisis I had no idea who or what I was, much less who or what I liked. This was spurred on by a combination of things, when I was very young interactions with a female babysitter left Me feeling confused and upset about things, and my father (Who I want to state has never abused me physically and has always loved and cared for me.) never really said the right things. It was almost always the wrong thing, comments on my weight or my acne had me body shaming myself at a very young age. I was too fat, and my face was a mess because I picked at it too often; my clothes were too masculine and I looked like a Dyke. my hair was always a mess, and my facial piercings and later tattoos would be the reason I ended up in the gutter on drugs and selling myself. Not exactly the words a growing young woman needs to hear to build a healthy sense of self-worth huh? And though my father worked very hard for us, and loves me unconditionally and unquestionably. When I was a young girl it felt like the only attention I received from him was. Negative attention. Later on, when I began being admitted to behavioral facilities and psych wards regularly, I then became the official family burden. Whilst my mother took to treating me like the China cup that had already been broken once, My father's attitude seemed even more distant. Every slip-up was another notch in the “my daughter is beyond help” attitude he seemed to take. And I distinctly remember a time when he said to me “I have given up on trying to give you a good future, you want this life“ That fucked me up way more than he intended, But the receiver of angry words is always more affected than the giver.

Then as I grew up and flowered into a young woman, my classmates took over when I was at school. The bullying was almost always about my body, my hair, and my face. I was even asked out as a joke several times, one of those times so severe that I showed up to the date and waited so long I fell asleep against a tree. When I woke up my arm was covered fingertip to shoulder in fire ants and the boy was nowhere to be found. I was heartbroken, and when I heard the laughter floating through the classroom the next day. My arm wrapped in bandages from the angry wounds the ants left behind, I was just absolutely downcast.

Now I don’t say all this to bash the people who may have hurt me, but To illuminate how all this ultimately played into my self-loathing. Things that seemed perhaps harmless to a bunch of 13-year-old punks deeply altered how I viewed myself, my value, and my worth. After that no matter the compliments I received or flattery from strangers or family. It didn’t matter, I could never believe them. Later as an adult when I became drawn to, and event attached to people who devalued me in the same way I devalued myself. A form of self-harm, and projection of my insecurities. It perpetuated the cycle of thinking and belief until it became not just a weed but a great sentient vine that would forbid me from progressing. So what are the first steps to openly and honestly dealing with this issue? First I’d just like to say that this is not everyone’s issue. This type of insecurity is specific to each individual and if it’s not you, that’s perfectly okay. Thank you for being here anyway and hopefully, some of this helps, but if it is you; then the first step is a deep breath. Tell yourself it’s okay, to not be okay. When diving deeply into the maze of one’s inner mind, you are warrant to find things you didn’t even think we're on the list of contemplation. memories and thoughts long since lost to the twists and turns of the maze arise out of seemingly nowhere, and you find yourself lost in it. Cry, it’s good I promise you. Cry with intention and let all the feelings come. Let your emotions pass over you and allow your body to expel them in the most natural way it desires, if you feel anger during this time (Which is a natural emotion that has no good or bad connotations) go and stand directly in front of a wall. Place your hands shoulder-width apart and push on the wall, don’t hit it (you’ll only harm yourself) just push. Push with every molecule of your rage as if your anger alone could move it, push until your arms are tired and you're out of breath; scream. If you feel so compelled. Most importantly though no matter which emotion you feel. Release it. Allow it to pass through you and out of you, let the wall have your anger. let the pillow have your tears and sadness, Feeling emotions is natural and a sign you are a living being. But holding onto those emotions, and making them the center of your reality is a disservice to that being. You are here on this earth to experience life and love and suffering and loss. How will you experience the range of the human spectrum, if you are wound up in the vines of just one thing? So we have established healthy ways to manage our intense feelings, now comes the hard part. Uprooting the vibes that bind you. A critical tool in this practice is the shears of shamelessness ( pretty witty if I do say so myself, and I do. It’s my blog.) Here are some critical thinking questions that may help you find elements of the root cause.

• Do I dislike myself? If so do I dislike my true self, Or the self I project onto others for acceptance?

• Is my dislike rooted in things I’ve heard or felt externally, or do I feel my innermost being is genuinely bad regardless of positive external feedback?

• Do I feel like an imposter in my own life?

• As a young child, did I consistently feel: Safe, Loved, Treasured, and Nurtured? • If I could be anyone in the world, would I choose to be myself?

You don't have to answer every question, but answer honestly; With vulnerability and a heavy watering of Integrity (I’ve decided here that the Watering can is integrity. just go with it) Use this as an opening writing exercise to your daily mental health routine or just pick one and give it a try, you may find that an answer comes to you almost without your consent.

As you discover the roots you can attack them with your shamelessness and intellect. If your root is similar to mine, it’s rooted in the opinions of others and how they have treated you in the past. If I’m honest with myself, and I am doing my very best to be ( because I deserve it the most ) A lot of my healing has been in the simple act of Not giving a fuck *queue a standing ovation from the studio audience* It may sound rather silly but, I would enter the gas station adjusting my clothes and keeping my eyes level to the floor, minimizing my body and trying my very best not to be “In the way” … It’s a gas station, I am a customer. I'M BLOODY ALOUD TO BE HERE. So why? Why was I concerned that the cashier at wawa would think I was ugly or loud? So what if I was?! Whenever my friends and I would go out, and everyone would jump and laugh in the street I’d silently plead “ Your being so loud You're I don’t wanna be perceived haha” But why? It’s Saturday night downtown, EVERYONE is loud. That is the point of the entire outing. To be loud, to have fun, to let loose. But goodness I cared So much and if I had just in those moments, let go. Not cared as much as I did, when no one else was. I could have met so many new people, Gone to new places, and most importantly; avoided arguments and accidentally shaming my friends for having fun.

I say all this to say, find your root. There can be many roots in a maze as vast as the mind but just explore. Go in tools at the ready, mind open to discovery, and heart softened to judgment. Along with the roots of pain, you’ll discover that the maze is full of fascinating fauna, and beautiful beasts.

-With love, ASE